I am sorry son. I need help.

I have went crazy again just now hitting the person I love most in the world. I even bit him.

Son,
I am sorry. I know sorry doesn't cure everything. I wish you will forgive me and love and trust me like before which I know is not possible. However, I do love you very much, son. You are the person I love most in the world.

I know I have depression and anxiety.I know I need help but who can help me? The doctor will just say take medicine, relax and rest. How can I take medicine? I tried but it make me restless and unable to even care for myself. Who will take care of you and the little one?

Darling, I am sorry. I am really sorry. I wish you have a better mother. You do deserve someone better than me. I am sorry that i act like that. I was just pushing myself too hard. I have no choice. I need to save the most for both of you. I need to get both of you grow up soonest. I need to get you ready to care for yourself soonest. I need to equip you with surviving power soonest. I need to make sure you can earn a living soonest. I need to.....there are so many things I need to make sure you are ready soonest.

God has not tell me when will I leave you. If I leave no one else will care or love you both. I have told you over billions time that you are different. You do not have grandparent or relative who care or love you. You only have me. I am so worry that no one can care for you.

I am sorry. I am just too worry about you as I love you too much. Maybe I should learn to let you enjoy whatever is in front of us. I am lost.

I do not have anyone who can talk to or help me now. Darling, I am so sorry...hope you will forgive me which I know you will but I know the damage is there and you can't trust me like before.

Darling, I love you.