I am sorry son. I need help.

I have went crazy again just now hitting the person I love most in the world. I even bit him.

Son,
I am sorry. I know sorry doesn't cure everything. I wish you will forgive me and love and trust me like before which I know is not possible. However, I do love you very much, son. You are the person I love most in the world.

I know I have depression and anxiety.I know I need help but who can help me? The doctor will just say take medicine, relax and rest. How can I take medicine? I tried but it make me restless and unable to even care for myself. Who will take care of you and the little one?

Darling, I am sorry. I am really sorry. I wish you have a better mother. You do deserve someone better than me. I am sorry that i act like that. I was just pushing myself too hard. I have no choice. I need to save the most for both of you. I need to get both of you grow up soonest. I need to get you ready to care for yourself soonest. I need to equip you with surviving power soonest. I need to make sure you can earn a living soonest. I need to.....there are so many things I need to make sure you are ready soonest.

God has not tell me when will I leave you. If I leave no one else will care or love you both. I have told you over billions time that you are different. You do not have grandparent or relative who care or love you. You only have me. I am so worry that no one can care for you.

I am sorry. I am just too worry about you as I love you too much. Maybe I should learn to let you enjoy whatever is in front of us. I am lost.

I do not have anyone who can talk to or help me now. Darling, I am so sorry...hope you will forgive me which I know you will but I know the damage is there and you can't trust me like before.

Darling, I love you.

Not his fault but my eyes have finally open

I really can't blame him. He is still him. He has been like that from the Day 1 that I know him. I am always his provider, carer and protector. After 15 years and his mother crazy torturing I have finally open up my eyes and been self pity for not being love the way it should be for the past 10 years.

I am not good at words but I am just tired and if God wants to put it an end for me, all I will asked for is someone to care for my 2 sons. Please love them and do not let them suffer like I did.

Sad and sad again.

Stress and sad

I am always sad and stress out in this family no matter how hard I tried. Hubby is not use to be pressure so he is always stress out and got tired. I will always be the one as back up...I have been so tired of doing it for the past 25 years. I really wish I could put a FULL STOP on it and go to rest forever.

He has a mum that is sooo free to go out with friends but sooooooooo HARD to spare us a couple of hours once in a blue moon to help us when I am desparately needed help. I really wish to shout out loud to them. I am a human being, just a simple lady. How do they expect me to handle everything? She always said that is my husband so I have to take care. Even when he felt and broke his back bones.

The kids are mine so I have to do the job even when I am sick and dying. I told her I have depression but she still said leave it to God. What kind of mother is she? Money changes everything.

I dont have a mother or mother in law that know how to love. They are crazy. They are devil. I am really suffering. What should I do? Why can't they help? The kids are innocent.

I got depression as a result of their torturing. 1st a mother that left the young child home alone with the neighbours of gangster and drug addict. She never thought what if the girl will be rape or killed.

Then a mother in law that will bang her bath room doors open and scold her when she is naked. What has I done wrong? I just asked her Queen daughter's son (her grandson) not to throw his ball in the house. It almost hit my instant noodles that I was having. Do I deserved that? Hell she goes....

She even switch off the TV while I was watching and off the whole house light before she went to her daugther's house. She always like to have light in the house but because I was sitting there, she must have it off. How evil is she.

At first I do not blame her. She is an uneducated woman and it all start with the poisoning from her daughter who turns become billionair. She told them we are infillial, we are poor and can't afford to buy things for the the 2 old folks. However, who paid for the air cond that her precious daughter N was using before she become rich?

I hate them for torturing me. I tried to be strong for the kids but I really can't. I often cry and shout and curse..It is not a good enviroment for my 2 prince but I can't control myself. I am scare and I am sad.

Can someone tell them to please stop that. Can God takes them away from me?

Please!!!!

An unappreciated Mother in Law

I have been 2 days that didn't update the blog.

I am still not happy with the mother day celebration. We had a early celebration on 11 May (Saturday)

I can't understand why seh doesnt help her own son? Her son's family is into financial planning, she didn't get from her own son but she got it from an outsider, her daughter's friend...Now she is so eager to promote for her friend. What will she earn? She doesn't love her son or she doesn't trust him?

What kind of mother in law I have? Took her out for mother day dinner, all she cares about was to help others do promotion while we are having the exact same products. On top of that, she complain on the dishes ordered before everything was served. All she cares was to ensure her precious grand-daugther's favorite food. All she cares is to be a nice old lady in front of her daughter's friend. All she cares was to be a nice woman in front of others. What a fake woman:(

13 May 2013

Sweetie pie is floating at age of 31months but I am not happy

Today, is a big milestone for my little sweetie. He can float on his back and do quite some good kicking to move himself to the stair of the pool. There was a slight moment of happiness but it soon disappear. I can't write well now, my brain is dead, my heart is dead. I just want to put down how I feel.

I felt myself such a coward. I dare not take up the 1st step. Who should I blame? Him or me? I can leave but why don't I?

He has make suffer, make me cry. He neglected me when I was suffering in his parent's house. He let me take care of my eldest alone. Do I still love him? NO!!! Do I hate him? I don't know.

I can't feel his love. I am just so lonely. I thought of filling a divorce but why I didn't? I don't know. Maybe I was too desparate to have a family. I have long to have one. I pretend to have one.

I felt so guilty to the kids. I told myself that I am going to be a good mum. I want to give my kids a good childhood but I can't. I tried but I just couldn't. Shall I leave? Who can tell me?

Anyone can help me with my kids? They are innocent. It was all my fault. I am trying to be god. I married him so I can save him but what have happen to the kids?

Well, nothing is new. He has not change. His family just open my eyes by torturing me. What I did has never been appreciated. They look down on me now that his sister and him are consider successful. I was not even allow to have much sesame oil in my confinement food because his sister doesn't like the smell. I was left alone in the dark to take care of my eldest. His mum even told the relative's maid that we are poor. She pity us so fix us a fan. Why must she doesn't that?

I am sooooo sad now that I can't even spell well. He has not defend me even he knows that I have no time to even take breakfast or lunch. Dinner is often at 8 or 9pm when my eldest sleep. I do not have a confinement lady. I wash the plate, cloth everything myself. His mum only cook lunch and dinner for me for 1 month after that even I was staying with them at that time. I was left alone most of the time. I was sooo tired but couldn't rest. He didn't protect me.

Where is he now? He is fast asleep. He wrote me an email this morning that he will have a talk with me tonight.

"Hi Dear,

Thanks for helping me on that.. sorry anyway.. I will try my best to love you. I think the problem with me is or may be I need to talk to you about me… I think recently I am getting worst. I think I need to talk to you tonight about what ve happen to me.."

I was waited untill he goes to bed but he didn't mention anything. I asked him and he replied that he doesn't know how to start. He is always like that. He doesn't know how to protect me. He doesn't know how to defend me, he doesn't know how to care for me, he doesn't know how to love any creatures.

Why do I married a man like him? Out of pity? I am not god, why should I? Who's fault? I guess it ball down to me.

Shall I get a lawyer to file for a divorce on Monday and leave this place? Where can I go?

He knows that I am sick but he doesn't care.  Is that love? He said he cook for me sometimes. Is that love?

Someone please help me. If anyone can promise me to take care of the kids, I will leave. I really will. How can he let me crying alone here now? He might not be sleeping but his is hiding in the room....What kind of man did I marry to? Help me, please.....Please. This is not the first time he did this to me. Please help me. Please..

childhood before 9yrs old.

I think I will start this blog and make sure I maintain it from now on. I have started a blog before but didn't maintain and forgotten the blog name now.

I am not very good at writing story but let me use this blog to write about a girl's life.

She was born in this family with sibling and parent but was stayed with the a baby sitter for a complet 9years. She did not see much of her family withing this 9years. Did she see them once a month? Or back to her 'HOME' once a month if not every week? She couldn't recall. She was suffering a complete lost of memory on her past. She doesn't recall much about this 'family' that she was born in. However, she remembered clearly that there was once she call her 'mother' who happen to visit her aunty. That is how her relationship with this family. To her, they are stranger.

She was happy than as she made her own family.She called her nanny mama, nanny's husband papa, their daughter sister. She live a normaly childhood without knowing what she will be facing in times to come.

She often prays that things will remain as it is. She never thought of going back to her 'HOME' even there are TV, fridge and much better condition than the little wooden cottage that she stays in. She doesn't understand the important of money even her papa and mama are poor. She has not go thru a day in hunger. She has no idea what is loneliness. She was happy. Nothing matter to her. She did not mind to grow up to be a clear or sales promoter in hypermarket. She did not know money and power is important. She was well taken care of.

They often mentioned that her parent tried to took her back when she was about 1. However, they have to return her to her mama as she refuse to eat and drink, not even ice-cream which is every child favorite. She only want her Papa, mama and chi chi back. So her 'father' had to send her back to her Mama.

Again, when she was 7. They said is time for her to go to primary and will be good for her to be back to her 'family'. She refused and her 'mother' knock her head to the wooden wall of her Mama's home. She didn't mind the pain at all. She was glad that she won the fight and stay back.

How much can a little girl do? She was con for a holiday when she was 9 and never get to see her papa, mama and chi chi again... At her tender age she knew that she was in a dungeon. She couldn't fought them. She was too weak so she accept silently. She didn't even get a chance to say goodbye and get a farewell hug from her FAMILY that she loves.

She was a very timid and shy girl. She dare not go to washroom alone. She was scare of dark. She was a typical little village girl. However, she has a very strong will. She wants to survive to see her FAMILY that she spend her happy childhood again. So she force herself to be strong.

She survive till today but she is badly wounded.....

Her life after age 9???........