Sweetie pie is floating at age of 31months but I am not happy

Today, is a big milestone for my little sweetie. He can float on his back and do quite some good kicking to move himself to the stair of the pool. There was a slight moment of happiness but it soon disappear. I can't write well now, my brain is dead, my heart is dead. I just want to put down how I feel.

I felt myself such a coward. I dare not take up the 1st step. Who should I blame? Him or me? I can leave but why don't I?

He has make suffer, make me cry. He neglected me when I was suffering in his parent's house. He let me take care of my eldest alone. Do I still love him? NO!!! Do I hate him? I don't know.

I can't feel his love. I am just so lonely. I thought of filling a divorce but why I didn't? I don't know. Maybe I was too desparate to have a family. I have long to have one. I pretend to have one.

I felt so guilty to the kids. I told myself that I am going to be a good mum. I want to give my kids a good childhood but I can't. I tried but I just couldn't. Shall I leave? Who can tell me?

Anyone can help me with my kids? They are innocent. It was all my fault. I am trying to be god. I married him so I can save him but what have happen to the kids?

Well, nothing is new. He has not change. His family just open my eyes by torturing me. What I did has never been appreciated. They look down on me now that his sister and him are consider successful. I was not even allow to have much sesame oil in my confinement food because his sister doesn't like the smell. I was left alone in the dark to take care of my eldest. His mum even told the relative's maid that we are poor. She pity us so fix us a fan. Why must she doesn't that?

I am sooooo sad now that I can't even spell well. He has not defend me even he knows that I have no time to even take breakfast or lunch. Dinner is often at 8 or 9pm when my eldest sleep. I do not have a confinement lady. I wash the plate, cloth everything myself. His mum only cook lunch and dinner for me for 1 month after that even I was staying with them at that time. I was left alone most of the time. I was sooo tired but couldn't rest. He didn't protect me.

Where is he now? He is fast asleep. He wrote me an email this morning that he will have a talk with me tonight.

"Hi Dear,

Thanks for helping me on that.. sorry anyway.. I will try my best to love you. I think the problem with me is or may be I need to talk to you about me… I think recently I am getting worst. I think I need to talk to you tonight about what ve happen to me.."

I was waited untill he goes to bed but he didn't mention anything. I asked him and he replied that he doesn't know how to start. He is always like that. He doesn't know how to protect me. He doesn't know how to defend me, he doesn't know how to care for me, he doesn't know how to love any creatures.

Why do I married a man like him? Out of pity? I am not god, why should I? Who's fault? I guess it ball down to me.

Shall I get a lawyer to file for a divorce on Monday and leave this place? Where can I go?

He knows that I am sick but he doesn't care.  Is that love? He said he cook for me sometimes. Is that love?

Someone please help me. If anyone can promise me to take care of the kids, I will leave. I really will. How can he let me crying alone here now? He might not be sleeping but his is hiding in the room....What kind of man did I marry to? Help me, please.....Please. This is not the first time he did this to me. Please help me. Please..